Taking marriage for granted
Why do we celebrate the union before it is consummated?
Just a quick thought about the nature of Christian marriage as recognized by the Catholic Church: When the wedding ceremony is done, and the couple has exchanged vows, we treat them as husband and wife.
In effect, Church tells the couple: “We believe you. We’ve heard you pledge yourselves to each other. We trust that you will honor that pledge.” No one checks to ensure that the marital union is consummated. The state issues a marriage license and the Church makes an entry in the sacramental register, but no one knows for certain that the marriage is consummated except the husband and wife themselves.
Sure, some strong circumstantial evidence may emerge in time, and a DNA test may convince everyone that the baby is the child of this couple. But that, in itself, does not conclusively prove that a Christian marriage has taken place— as diocesan marriage tribunals tell us every day.
The tribunals usually focus on possible defects of intent, and question whether both parties fully intended to make the total gift of self that a Christian marriage requires. Leaving aside the questionable psychological theories that are invoked to help people escape their marital obligations (that’s a story for another day) ask yourself why we as a Christian community—not just the priest who presides at the ceremony, but the parents and in-laws and the wedding guests who act as witnesses— trust the couple to honor the commitment that they make during the wedding ceremony.
Let me put the matter another way: What does it mean to consummate a marriage? Here I am not asking a birds-and-the-bees question. I am asking how we can know that the couple intended a total gift of self when they made their vows at the altar and enacted them on the wedding night. Only the husband and wife know for certain. If we don’t trust them, we shouldn’t put them in the position to make a terrible mistake.
I think we are living in a culture that simply does NOT have expectations that a couple understands and is committed to upholding their vows. This is why so many men and women don't bother to marry at all but choose to cohabit. Marriage itself is viewed by far too many as either too difficult an undertaking or one without much value.
We (the Church/the State) entrust a lot to the married couple: that they remain honestly committed, that they raise their children responsibly, that they engender a family of love and care which spills back over onto society for the mutual benefit of all. Our hope for their success is why we celebrate the accomplishment of their commitment before it is a fait accompli. Perhaps there is no other means of verifying some truths that are works in progress than trusting in and encouraging their eventual realization. And if relationship failure rears its ugly head, even that should be handled delicately with hope, for all of us suffer spiritual defects at birth from original sin.